Within any group of people, jealousies exist. Someone always exists who does something better than you. In the work force, there are jealousies about who makes more money (and does less work!). In social circles, someone is always funnier, someone is always thinner and someone always drives a better car. It’s no surprise that jealousy doesn’t really get to skip over the birth parent contingent of the adoption triad.
Because, oh, it doesn’t skip us over. At all!
Even though there is the standing knowledge that all adoptions are different and that each family deals with them in their own unique way, envy and jealousy can rear their ugly heads when birth parents start comparing their situations to others who “have it better.” Sometimes you see this between mothers from closed and open adoption eras, arguing over whose pain is worse and who has an easier time. (My opinion? They both suck in their own uniquely sucky way!) I think that comparing the two eras is akin to comparing apples and oranges; they’re both round fruit that you can eat but man, they sure taste different!
Even more so, the jealousies rage within eras, not from one to the other. Mothers from closed adoptions have been outrageously hurtful to their sisters when one is doing something that the other wishes was going on in her own life. An example? It’s kind of sad. One mother searched, for years, for the son she relinquished. Shortly before what would have been his fortieth birthday, she found out that he had passed away. Finding a grave at the end of a search is horrific, no doubt. She then, in turn, began berating a mother who was having an awful time in a reunion with her relinquished daughter, calling the mother a selfish choice-word for complaining when her daughter was “still alive.” The second mother needed support, not reminded that she should be grateful that her child is still living and breathing. Unfortunately, grief, anger and jealousy clouded the other mother’s vision and she was unable to see a sister, hurting and confused.
Oh, and it happens in open adoption just as easily. Those who have fully open adoptions are often told by those with less open relationships that we should be “grateful.” Complaints about hardship are often written off as petty. Want an example here? Oh, I’ve got to out myself. Joy!
As my readers know, our adoption is fully open. We have a great relationship and things are usually pretty darn peachy. That doesn’t exempt me from the green eyed monster of jealousy. Brandy, a first mom friend of mine, also has a fully open adoption. Her daughter is older so I often look to her for advice when I’m struggling as she’s “been there, done that.” As we’ve become pretty good friends over the years, I felt myself feeling rather shocked when I realized, “Oh my! I’m jealous of my friend!” You see, Brandy is planning a holiday visit with her daughter and family. Originally, it was supposed to be for Christmas; my jealousy was at its peak when she talked about those plans. Now it has been moved to Thanksgiving, which is not far behind on my jealousy meter. Why am I jealous? That would be my dream visit: a “big” holiday, spent with my daughter and her family. Due to distance and how important our families are to each of us, it most likely will not happen for us. And so, my jealousy lingers.
And so, can anything be done about it?
First of all, birth parents need to be aware that jealousy is possible within our group. Denying that it exists won’t solve anything. We then need to recognize situations that would make us personally envious of another birth mother or father. And then we need to watch our mouths/fingers! Lashing out because you’re jealous doesn’t solve anything. Saying nasty, hurtful things might make you feel momentarily victorious, but when the feeling settles into the pit of your stomach, it doesn’t feel so glorious anymore.
If you’re jealous of another birth parent who is asking for your support, be honest. Say something along the lines of, “I really wish I could help support you in this matter but I can’t see past my own issues. I don’t want to hurt you wish my words so I’m just going to have to bow out of this right now.” Or some variation thereof!
It is absolutely normal to want “more” for yourself, for your child and for your situations. We should constantly be striving to reach that “better” place for all involved. However, learning to base our expectations on our own realities and not the realities of others will help us get over some of that jealousy and better relate to one another.
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For more, read:
1. Raise Your Hand if Your (In)Secure!
2. The Battle of the Mothers of Adoption.
3. Jealousy.
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